What are the odds that you'd be here, on this planet, at this time? Miniscule. I'm not good with math, but trust me on this. Everything had to fall in place just right for us to be alive, to be self aware, to be here on this planet and experience this life. And yes, life is hard. But it's also beautiful and precious, and we need to take time to remember that, even through the hardship we experience.
A few months ago, I was given my second ileostomy. The first time I had it, I did everything in my power to hide it. When it was reversed, I felt like I was finally free. But my debilitating pain returned, and because my doctor was uncertain what to do (and because the ostomy had previously relieved the pain), he gave me another ostomy. I didn't know that was going to happen going in to the surgery. So when I woke up, and realized I had another one, I was devastated. I spent an entire day crying. In fact, I don't think I stopped crying for quite some time after that surgery. I didn't think I could live; I mean, really live, this way. It really affected my body image and self confidence. Even though I've never been one to let others tell me what to look like or who to be, nor one to let life keep me down, I felt like this time, I had really been defeated.
Slowly, but surely, I began to recover. I had the support of my family and my boyfriend. I still cried a lot. But I cried a little less as time went on. I don't know how people change. I only know that they can. It's hard, and it's a fight, but they can. And I have, slowly, had my frame of mind changed for the better. I've gained more confidence in my body, which includes an ostomy. I have told more people. It's not something I plan to scream from the rooftops, just like I wouldn't scream anything else about myself from a rooftop, but I don't mind people knowing. I tweeted a picture of myself, with my ostomy exposed, to approximately 400 people. That was a big step for me, and over due, really, because I didn't even realize that I had become as comfortable with it as I actually have, and will continue to. I still have bad days, because everyone does. Everyone has "fat days" or "bad hair days". I have "bad ostomy days". But it's ok, it's just a part of life.
I was told that before my doctor will reverse my ostomy again, they had to be sure that my strange pain wouldn't reoccur. They did a ct scan in December and I'm pending approval for my medication to begin; another stipulation. I am required to have at least 2 months of treatment. But the past few days, the strange pain has returned. I know this will prolong the time I have with an ostomy. But for the first time, I feel ok about it. I don't feel imprisoned, as I did before. The change in mind set and attitude is really what set me free.
These days, more often than not, I'm happy to say I have an ostomy. Why? Because it can shatter the misconceptions associated with it. I'm active, in a healthy relationship, and do everything that everyone else does. I look normal, because I am. People don't look at me and think "ostomy". That's just silly. So when I tell someone, it can potentially change the way they think in a positive way. And that's a good thing. People with ostomies are just like everyone else. For many people, their ostomies have saved their lives, or allowed them to live a better quality of life. And that's how I've ultimately come to the conclusion: Life is beautiful, therefore, so are ostomies.
Attached below is the picture I tweeted to my 400+ followers on Twitter. I had just come inside from a work out (on one of the few days the weather permitted). Please excuse the toilet, I used the full length mirror in the bathroom. Otherwise, consider it a visual pun.
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